Category Archives: Why are they famous?

Why the fuck do people like Mumford and Sons so much?

Mumford and Sons are average as shit. I mean, honestly, I’m not even sure if their name is supposed to be spelt with an ampersand or the word “and”, because when visiting their Wikipedia page to find out, I actually fell asleep before I was able to read anything. It’s not that Mumford and Sons are the worst band in the world (that spot is still reserved for the Red Hot Chili Peppers and their knuckle-dragging legions – God bless ’em, it’s important to know there’s a floor on these things), but why do so many people love them when there are so many bands out there writing better music? The people that like Mumford and Sons are the same people that made bands like Snow Patrol, Jack Johnson and Coldplay famous – basically people who like their sleep therapy put to music. Someone coming up to you and telling … Read more

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The thought of a new Red Hot Chili Peppers album makes me weep for humanity

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are the worst. I mean the absolute worst. I’m not exaggerating. The fact that they are currently leading our Worst Albums Of All Time chart is absolutely no mistake. And now it’s that time again. Every three or four years the Chilis part cheeks and excrete forth another brown nugget of near identical tunes and the whole world goes completely nuts for it. As a huge music fan (or music snob, whatever you want to call me) you just can’t imagine what a depressing prospect this is for me. There is so much great music out there these days, and the idea that people would push all of it aside in favour of another slap bass induced 80s cock rock fest is just completely depressing. I mean can you really tell the difference between their last few singles? “Dani California”, “Scar Tissue”, “Californication”, “By The … Read more

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Worst Albums Of All Time: U2 – ‘All That You Can’t Leave Behind’

First things first: Bono is a complete bell-end. Of all of the musicians in the world, he is the most outspoken, pretentious and out of touch of all of them. Bono’s personality can be summed up as the product of over 30 years or so of being surrounded by yes-men, with no-one to say to him “No, Bono. The music industry doesn’t work that way any more” or “Take off those glasses you twat. You look like a geriatric fly.” So to get you in the mood for the rest of the review, here’s a collection of pretentious Bono quotes – that I spent upwards of 5 minutes scouring the internet for – to make you hate the great man even more: “Books! I dunno if I ever told you this, but books are the greatest gift one person can give another.” “Laughter is eternity if joy is real.” “I … Read more

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The new Coldplay song is worse than Ebola

Coldplay have long been the butt of jokes amongst music fans. Whether it’s using their name as an adjective to convey blandness (“I don’t want my curry too spicy – give me a Coldplay one”), describing your friends farts as “Coldplay covers” or using their songs as a metaphor for insomnia cure, there is plenty to laugh about. The average armpit fart, for example, has been proven to contain more of musical worth than any given Coldplay song. The fact that Chris Martin seems like a pretty decent guy outside his music (as opposed to Bono, who clearly has the personality of a nut-sack) is somewhat undone by the fact that he is married to the world’s stupidest person. So you can imagine my delight when I heard that Coldplay had a new song out. It’s called, and I’m not making this up, “Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall” and is … Read more

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Worst Albums Of All Time: Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Californication”

I have to be honest – I’ve never liked the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They just always seemed so silly. Their socks-on-cocks, misogynistic frat-boy attitude never sat well with me, but I’m willing to forgive a lot if the songs are good enough. Unfortunately, as far as I’m concerned, they aren’t, and never have been. Song after song of mid-tempo, snore infused, slap bass twaddle (slap bass has never been cool, for the record) that has me reaching for the cyanide capsule every time. They should tour with Ben Harper and Jack Johnson (watch this space, I’m sure) as the “Sure Fire Insomnia Cure Tour”. They would make millions. Even their supposed “classic” album Blood Sugar Sex Magick does absolutely nothing for me. “‘Under the Bridge’ is deep. It’s about heroin addiction, man”. Are you sure it’s not about Mandrax? Because that’s how I feel when I listen to their … Read more

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Forget global warming: Kim Kardashian’s new single “Jam (Turn It Up)” is the worst thing to ever happen to humanity

Until this week all of us were safe in our homes, content in the knowledge that there would never be a song as bad as Ke$ha’s “We R Who We R” or The Black Eyed Peas’ “The Time (Dirty Bit)” (click those links at your own peril) ever again. However, it appears there is a new threat to the fabric of our society, a new song that is so bad it makes Paris Hilton’s solo career look like Burt Bacharach’s songbook by comparison. I am of course talking about the new song from Kim Kardashian: “Jam (Turn It Up)”, released this week: Turn It Up by mjs538 If you’re not familiar with brain numbingly retarded reality television, The Kardashians are the rich ones with screechy voices, impossibly small noses and like, real life problems and shit (404: Documentary Evidence Not Found). Kim Kardashian, the oldest – and thus most plastically … Read more

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Why Are They Famous? – The Doors

A regular feature where we “discuss” some of the world’s most overrated bands and artists, and wonder why the hell are they famous? This week: The Doors. Now let’s be honest, the Doors are pretty shit. Seldom has a band done so little to deserve so much adoration, over such a long period of time. Silly keyboards, drunken vocals that sound like the homeless guy who lives on my street, no bass player and an average song duration of 3 days, there’s little to attract the first time listener. For some reason they are worshipped by hippies and “chemistry enthusiasts” worldwide, and the Doors are still considered one of the greatest bands to ever come out of Los Angeles. (This, remember, is the same city that gave us such greats as Guns N’ Roses, Rage Against The Machine and the Beach Boys). But then, what can you expect from a … Read more

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